Many of the wonderful people at Fully Alive have been very interested in what my experience was like, when I committed to a Christian life. At the time you asked, my thoughts were not totally clear. Here is the best account I can give of the event from my perspective:

A surprise none the less, but a welcomed one.

It started as any ordinary Sunday. In bed, thinking about the day to come. The farmer's market was a flurry of produce of which I bought my share.

I opened my mail, from the past week. Nothing of interest. A letter from my insurance company was there and it contained a dividend cheque. It seemed odd. I remember thinking that I should give this to the church - no doubts in my mind. I wrote a cheque to the church for the same amount. As I put the cheque into my pocked, I thought: "You know, this is about a tenth of my salary", and continued on my way.

Off to Fully Alive. I was met by all of the wonderful people who are so devoted to the church and to God. In my tiredness, I complain about a very long work week. I arrived none to soon, and the service is about to begin.

I sit in my usual seat, but in front of me are empty chairs, only Marvette and alternately Scott and Mark. It seemed void of people - oddly so. Not short on spirit, just bodies.

The opening song lifted me up, and gave me more energy. I sat and watched the drama per-formed by Mark Anzalone and Henry Perezalonso. Every word hit home (hard!). Mark played the role of a person who had not devoted their life to God, and Henry, a devoted person.

It is hard to describe the feeling that came over me. Guilt, longing, association with Mark's char-acter, amazement with the openness portrayed by Henry. The drama closed with Yvonne, en-tering and mentioning that somebody had committed their life to God and there should be rejoicing. I didn't really internalize this at the time - 'maybe someday' passed through my mind.

Scott then took the stage in usual fashion. The topic today was over-extending yourself and the costs of ego. His words hit me as if I was the only one in the gallery, and he was speaking to me directly. (This was assisted by the fact that there was nobody in front of me).

When he closed the service, I sat up and streched my neck - almost every vertebra eased back into place. I was relaxed and at ease. I look back on this, and this was not the feeling in my mind.

The closing song was good - as usual. I was feeling very mixed up.

After the service, I went to tell Scott that I really enjoyed the message he brought fourth that day. I ended up talking to Jeff and Scott about other things.

I then went to find Mark Anzalone, to find out about the group meeting that evening.

At this point, I grabbed Scott abruptly to thank him for the poignant message. It was too abrupt and I didn't know why. Overly abrupt for the simple thanks I was going to offer.

I thanked him, and asked in ignorance "How do you do the things that you spoke about?" His reply was "It's simple. Just ask for it. It takes the trust of a child." Immediately following his response, he asked "Do you believe in Jesus?" Without a moment's thought, I respond "Yes". Next, was a simple question: "Are you ready to make a commitment to Christ right now?". Again without hesitation or thought, I heartily agree.

We sit together in the last row of the gallery, and Scott led a prayer. The guidance, patience he showed was wonderful. He said a few times that he will lead the prayer and I can follow. (At this point, I remember having a very brief concern about what I was doing, but it went away) As soon as he was done an opening, he let me finish. Without any hesitation I completed the prayer in the manner described, without prompting.

At this point, Scott was all smiles, and threw his arms around me and we embraced. I knew I had done something good, but was at a loss for understanding. It seemed like a very overly ex-cited response to something simple. (Note the incredible ingorace by yours truly) I had tears of joy, althought I was not clear about why.

In the moments after, Scott says to me "All of the angels in heaven are rejoicing and having a party because you gave your life to Christ!". Then there is a blurr. Scott at this point is yelling to everybody "He said it! He said it!". (My slow mind was saying "Whah?" (Enter the Calvin picture with the bubble with only a '*' in it - confusion. I will try to find it later.))

All of a sudden, Cindy Owens is embracing me and I can hear Scott say to me, "We have been praying for you!!!". At this point, I am falling apart. Confused, a little embarrased and lost al-though filled with joy and at ease. A very unique feeling. Then the succession of people coming to me to congratulate me on a joyous event. Mark Anzalone, Jeff. I turn around and see Neil. He seemed much larger than usual - quiet confidence with grace. A quiet embrace was well re-ceived. Neither Neil nor I said much, but I felt that there was happiness and acceptance.

At that point I really felt 'naked'. There was nothing I felt I was hiding, I felt very open and vulnerable - a frightening experience. As frightening as it was, the support and love poured upon me was reassuring. A lost child, found. At this point I turned away from people and tried to collect myself. "How do you feel?" some-body asked. I responded with 'at ease'. That was the point where I did feel reassured and less vulnerable while being open to all. All of a sudden, I see Shawna approaching with tear filled eyes. She embraces me for a long hug. Breakdown number 2. She embraced me with all her strength, almost squeezing the breath out of me. It felt wonderful to receive such a wonderful gift and to feel a very real and very honest show of affection. We parted the embrace, and I really felt special.

I was very glad that Michelle came to offer me support and a very nice hug. Her taking time from her busy schedule was very kind. My amazement peaked when the pretty woman, who's name I don't even know came to me and embraced me. There was a feeling there which I have never felt. It was a pure love, almost undescribable, between two people who had never met. Probably the most fulfilling feeling of the whole event.

The embraces came to an end once the word had spread like wild fire throught the church. I was pleased that Rod came to offer warm wishes at the end. I was pleased to get a warm welcome from Adam as well.

I was on my way out, whe I passed by Scott, and he shouted: "Have a great day!".

What an earth shattering, life altering event.

I drove to work to catch up with Silvestre. I sat in my cube, and put my head in my hands. I started a prayer to try to offer thanks, and to ask for an understanding of what really happened and why.

The tears streamed from my eyes!

I was heartwarmed that during that prayer, I received a very brief answer. The answer was "I bet you didn't see that coming", along with a warm smile from God.

At this point I remember starting to tremble quite a bit. After a few minutes, I collected myself.

I dried my eyes, and looked at the desk. There were 4 large tear splashes on the desk. The pat-tern of which I hope never to forget. I grabbed the nearest paper and tried to sketch the imagery. Those were 'Tears of Joy'.

The surrealness of the event was amazing. A feeling of contentment, joy and confusion rolled into a single moment.

I looked back at the morning, and thought about what had happened. It was clearly revealed to me that God knows me much, much better than I do. The progression of events is absolutely clear to me - probably the first time I have been able to follow God's will.

I was weiry from my week at work, and my inhibitions were low. This is a very simple way to get me to do things. God orchestrated this so perfectly, that all things would come together that morning. There were so many things which foreshadowed this event, yet I was oblivious to them all. It happened in such a way that I did not really think about it, I acted on instinct - God's will. My tired mind did catch up a little when I sat with Scott, but I was nudged to not follow the thought for there was more to this than I could imagine.

I do not doubt that I would have eventually come to do this. I am purely amazed that God set fourth such an effort to orchestrate this. I live now in the utter amazement about what God has planned for me. This was the will of God - I have no doubt in my mind. I only hope that I will not fail. Such an undertaking, I have never even considered.

If I were to organize such an event, it would almost certainly not have happened that way, with those people in such a public setting.

I sat at work, and trembled as my mind raced to figure out the next move. Very slowly I will figure out how to serve God's will, without trying to lead. My stubbornness will be my greatest obstacle.

Within the race in my mind, I clearly remember thinking 'what have I done, I haven't finished checking it out yet!?' I was almost in a panic. That thought lead me into a fear of commitment, a fear of failure - of biblical proportions. Next, that thought was replaced by the uncertainty of for whom I did this oath for. I was scared that it was done out of guilt at first. I then worried about whether I did this to 'impress' friends. My fear that I had done this without considering all sides continued to grow.

Work reared it's ugly head, and my mind was diverted to the worldly task at hand. My attention was diverted, and I calmed down.

I went to the community group that evening, and it was graced by Rod. The topic was commu-nity spirit and how the group has strived to create the environment. Rod played a video of the early days of the church. Dan (Handa) was one of the main features. His openness and candor was really encouraging. I related to many of the feelings he described. The openness he pre-sented was amazing; a level I hope to strive for. Mark Anzalone's story was also very reassur-ing. His words were very much in tune with how I was feeling.

I was really pleased and felt very supported (almost cherished) when Henry showed up, and once again offered his support and enthusiasm to my decision. The brief, yet fulfilling conver-sation I had about what he felt when he 'dove in' and what he was feeling while he did the drama really helped me open my eyes to how even more wonderful a person he is! That really helped me be at ease and be reassured that I did follow the right course.

Later in the session, Rod was excited to relay the story of that day to the other members there. I was really at ease when he asked me if I would mind if he shared what happened. That already is a very different behaviour from what I think I was like even the day before. Scott's continued support and enthusiasm was again heart warming.

I look back now, and I feel that it was my decision, and mine alone, to turn over the guidance of my life to some one capable. I have always been a strong willed, ready-to-lead person. I am not sure now if that is my nature, or what I chose to become.

The powerful presence I felt throughout the day, which guided me in every word and motion was overwhelming, yet encouraging. It really opened my eyes to the power God has. I think back to a conversation which I had with Scott Owens (oddly enough, the one captured in the 'Building the Dream' video). We spoke about many things, but the most piercing statement was Scott saying: 'God wants Mark Nicholson'. I remember being awestruck at this. The course of events that today drove the statement Scott made into me - deeply.

I am still in a tangle of emotions, I have had swings of rock solid confidence to absolute disarray. Fear, anxiety, joy, love, happiness - none of which I feel confident about dealing with in a savvy way.

I managed to collect myself enough to compose a letter (well, email) to Neil and Shawna. I found it really hard to write, as there was so much I wanted to say, yet I was still uneasy at being really open with them. That led to a really ashamed feeling. This was the email:

A quick note, of thanks! I really appreciated the support I got yesterday from both of you. It was very touching to feel such love and support from wonderful friends! I am still collecting my thoughts on the whole event though I have to say that I even surprised myself.

I hope that we can continue to deepen our friendship to new levels and share many more heart warming experiences together.

;~) Mark

I was even hesitant - petrified actually - to press the 'send' key at that. I was initially gripped by fear when a reply from Shawna returned. I saw the header, and almost froze. I can't even de-scribe why. I don't even know why. I opened the reply and was really deeply touched by the kind words and thoughts she shared. Her reply was:

What are friends for but to love, cherish, share, laugh and cry with :-)

Thank you for being such a terrific friend Mark. It has been awesome doing everything from bar-beques to church to movies to dinner to walking through a fair to waiting, and waiting, AND WAIT-ING at airports.

We are always here to talk about whatever may be on your mind as well. We won't have all of the answers - but we'll be able to provide conversation and a wall to bounce ideas off of.

Let us know if you want to get together this week.

-Shawna

I am warmed to know that my role in their life has been positive. What little I contributed was graciously received. Such unstoppable kindness from both Shawna and Neil has really im-proved my life. I hope that I have polished a small part of theirs.

Now I think back to how awful and hurtful I have been over the past years. How I have ignored so many in favour of my own selfishness. I still find it hard to believe that God will forgive me of all of my errs and sins. It is not that I have any doubts in God - I am uncertain how I can forgive myself. God has no limitations on such things - I am merely a simple man trying to find the way.

The overwhelming presence that God has presented to me in such a short time frightens me. Not in a way that scares me of Him, but I am torn between excitement and fear of what He has in store for me as I travel along my path.

I hope that I have taken the first step into a better way. I am scared of the road ahead - I have decided to become the passenger, not the driver, and that is a big challenge for me. I hope that I can overcome the transition and really become a better person.

I look to God now to guide me in all aspects of my life. It is clear to me that I am not in control my destiny. My destiny is written in the word.

Mark Nicholson
July 30, 2000

I first gave this letter to Neil and Shawna, and let them read it. I was quite embarrassed that I could not even present this message to my best friends face to face. The pain and fear I felt, and tears that I shed just writing this letter scared me. My decision to give them a copy to read was unbelievably hard to do - and I am certain that God once again helped me get over the burden I felt, so that I could share this experience with them. I wanted to express how much of an important role they played in this whole experience.

I look back on this letter, and still get choked up and teary-eyed as I read it.

Neil, Shawna and I have since gotten together and discussed this event on several occasions. There have been many awe inspiring things which have led up to this. Neil reflected back to April when he first invited me to Fully Alive - the Easter service. He was at a loss for words to describe how he came to the conclusion that he should invite me - none of us could really see a precedence. Both he and Shawna noted that they were concerned that they would appear as if they were trying to indoctrinate me into a religion. At the time I did not feel this at all, and have not felt that from anybody at this church.

This to me is another indication that this was a correct step for me along the right path. The path was laid long before any of us could even imagine, that becomes more clear, day by day.

This in a way concludes the first chapter in my new Christian life. I am warmed to think that this life will be a long book.